Mom, am I ok?
A short story about coming out
note: I originally wrote this in 2019, but the story still holds true.
I was listening to an episode of Elizabeth Gilbert's podcast, Magic Lessons, the other day and was struck by something she said. Let's be honest, though, it's freakin' Elizabeth Gilbert, and I'm always blown away by her absolute brilliance and eloquence! But I digress.
The podcast topic was not lgbtq+ related, but the gist of the story she told reminded me of how children look to their parents for validation and how, in coming out, we're instinctively asking one specific question. Before I get to that, this is what she said:
"You know how when you're on a bumpy plane ride and you get really nervous and you always look at the stewardess's face to see how she's doin'? And if she's cool, then you're sort of like, oh, I guess we're not really about to crash. Cuz if we were about to crash, she probably wouldn't be sort of laughing with another passenger. So, I feel like, kids look at their parent’s faces to see if the plane's going down."
Exactly, Elizabeth! EXACTLY!
And coming out to our parents is no different. Their reaction is a make-or-break moment where we're basically asking, "Are we gonna crash, or are we gonna be ok?"
The dream that we all want is to have that moment of unconditional love and support shining back at us. If we're lucky, we get that.
If we're even luckier, we get the experiences that "everyone else" has: introducing our boyfriend or girlfriend to our families, getting married, buying a home, and having kids. All of the things that we probably never thought we could (but we can). And along each milestone, we want nothing more than to know that our parents accept us and consider our relationship as valid as any other committed relationship.
When we come out to our parents, we listen to their words, read their body language, and look into their eyes as if to ask, "Am I ok?"
Whether we're four or forty, we ask. Even if we aren't conscious of it, on some level, we are always asking.
Don't get me wrong, though. We don't need anyone's approval or acceptance. But it's natural to hope for it, and I hope your answer as a parent is, "Yes, you're more than ok."